In a surprising development, Newport Buzz has learned that high-level discussions are reportedly underway to replace the Claiborne Pell Bridge with an underwater tunnel amid growing traffic and security concerns. The talks—between Governor Dan McKee, President Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and Newport Mayor Charlie Holder—also include a Hyperloop system that would transport passengers from New York City to Newport in under 45 minutes.
The NTSB recently urged the Rhode Island Turnpike and Bridge Authority to conduct a vulnerability assessment of the Newport Bridge. NTSB Chairwoman Jennifer Homendy made the recommendation last week, a year after the catastrophic collapse of Baltimore’s Francis Scott Key Bridge, which was destroyed when a cargo ship lost power and crashed into a support column.
State officials say these concerns, along with the post-pandemic New Yorker invasion, are driving the tunnel discussions. “Traffic is out of control, and Newporters deserve relief,” said an anonymous insider. “If this Hyperloop keeps more Tesla Cybertrucks and Range Rovers from clogging Thames Street, it’s worth considering.”
Musk, reportedly thrilled by the project, is planning a tunnel with VR goggles that let passengers experience a virtual tour of Mars while traveling at lightning speeds. Meanwhile, Trump is lobbying for a luxury tunnel snack bar that only serves Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka, and he’s looking to open a Trump-branded casino at the old Newport Grand location, saying, “This tunnel will be tremendous. No one builds tunnels like I do! And after the numbskulls of Newport voted to close Newport Grand in 2014, this is the perfect opportunity for me to rescue that eyesore and create some jobs!”
The local response is mixed—some welcome the end of bridge traffic, while others lament losing a beloved landmark. “What’s next?” asked a longtime resident who requested anonymity. “A Chipotle inside The Breakers?!”
A feasibility study is expected to be completed by April 1, 2026—but don’t hold your breath.
Happy April Fools, Newport! 🚀😂
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