Alright ladies and gentlemen, stop what you’re doing and take a look at this beauty that was stolen by some scumbag with lock cutters between 1am and 2:30am Tuesday night Wednesday morning in front of Police HQ Fight Club Via Via. We know you’re asking yourselves right now, “how this could this happen in front of the most policed area in town.” We can only posit the theory that the cops were very distracted by either a) hitting on some drunk girls or b) beating on some drunk dudes. Your guess is as good as ours.
Anyway, we need to coordinate a home by home grid search to return this baby to her mom. Based upon extensive research, (read: we Googled it) the average human bikes at approximately 10 mph, so that means, given the head start our bike thief has on us, summer traffic, the need to sleep and bridge tolls, the bike could be anywhere between Hartford, Worcester, Boston and Cape Cod…but common sense tells us it’s more likely either somewhere in the ghettos in the north end of the city or in a summer share house in the yachting village.
Keep your eyes open.
$150 reward!!!
PS – Come to think of it, if the cops were wearing body cameras, we would probably have the thief on video right now.
